


Oh, what a way that we die

by oldmancat



Category: Star Wars Prequel Trilogy, Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: :pensive:, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Mild Hurt/Comfort, Mutual Pining, Suicide Attempt, Unhappy Ending, sad things
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-19
Updated: 2020-11-19
Packaged: 2021-03-09 22:42:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,087
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27623540
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oldmancat/pseuds/oldmancat
Summary: Scenes throughout Rex and his general's relationship. We all die eventually.tw for suicide attempt
Relationships: CT-7567 | Rex/Anakin Skywalker
Comments: 11
Kudos: 52





	Oh, what a way that we die

**Author's Note:**

> In case you missed it: TW for attempted suicide. Still rated teen, though.
> 
> My sister reading this: "It's cringe because you're cringe. I read this and imagine you trying to be poetic."

Their relationship, even from the very first moment, smells of rot. That gentle, sweet kind of rot that you can almost enjoy. The kind that is of wilting flowers, of dried grass left out in the sun, landscapes warmed by long, summery days. Pink and soft evenings, the wind blowing past your ear. The kind of living unimaginable on Kamino, that’s what they are made of.

And when will Rex feel this again? The feeling of sun on his face, of something he has no nostalgia for but still longs for, something melting and soft. He has to, needs to, remember that it's really rot, disgusting and decaying. He needs to remember that the sweetness from the fruit will disappear, that the sourness will set in. They’ll start to decay at any moment, it’s unavoidable. It’s science. A matter of time. The flowery scent lingers even after he’s reminded himself.

They’ll die together, he thinks. It aches.

\--

His general is close to the edge. Well, really, closer than most. Rex can see it himself sometimes, that cliff that they’re standing on together. If he leaned over, he would see past the edge to the bottom. A pit forms in his general’s eyes when they stand too close to the edge, a pit of anger and oil, swimming darkness. It’s vengeful and conniving and it almost scares Rex. Can’t anyone else see it? There’s a hole in his stomach.

He knows what his general lost on Geonosis. Did he forget to leave it behind?

Rex gets good at reading his general. He has to. Beyond the snap decisions on the battlefield, beyond the strategies that won’t work unless they’re completely and exclusively tuned in to each other, Rex has to make sure his general doesn’t get too close to the edge. He’ll have to hold him back if ( _when_ ) the time comes. 

(Their hands brush when they walk next to each other. Their eyes catch across debriefing meetings.)

\--

They kiss for the first time cramped in a cave, fueled by just the right amount of desperation. The barriers, the ones Rex kept for posterity’s sake, break down before his eyes. They get lost in the heat, the sweat, the feeling of something akin to passion. It’s the first time Rex has ever been kissed. He tries and tries and tries to savor it.

His general has been injured, and Rex can feel the fever burning under his skin. They break apart after much too long, lips brushing. He feels hot breath tickle his cheek. His general’s clouded eyes catch his own. There’s something searching between them at that moment, something still desperate. The mutual understanding that something isn’t right. They’re missing something. They’ll never quite figure out what it is. 

The general mutters in his fever and turns away from Rex. They never speak of the kiss again.  
(But Rex knows they both remember. He can see it in the way he looks at him when he thinks Rex isn’t paying attention.)

\--

The kid’s arrival helps, and Rex will forever stand by that. The commander is… refreshing, and not just because she’s young. She’s agile, resourceful, cheerful, and snarky. Passionate. _Kind_. Something about her, even just in the way that she holds herself, has brought them all a little bit away from the edge. Maybe it’s the fact that she doesn’t hold even a shred of the shadows that seem to take more and more of her Master every day. 

And Rex wouldn’t even know what to say about her relationship with the general. They’ve got a grip on each other, it’s stabilizing. It’s soothing to watch them meditate together. Rex spends many evenings with them, just watching. 

\--

They repeat the motions on the Lurmen planet. When his general nearly kills himself to save him, Rex can feel the kiss brushing against his lips. Still ignoring the cave, they don’t do anything more that day.

(Either way, Rex can see the way his general now looks at the senator. He remembers being looked at like that and tries to move on.)

\--

Rex wonders sometimes if Kenobi can see it. Not just his general’s relationship with the senator, not just the angry darkness in his eyes, not just the recklessness, can Kenobi see what Rex can see? Even if it makes them effective - _and it does_ \- why can’t anyone seem to notice? 

If anything, Kenobi only seems to notice the way Rex himself still looks at his general. His expression is neutral, but to Rex, it almost feels like a challenge.

Kenobi touches the general’s shoulder gently sometimes, far too gently for just being a former teacher. They talk in whispers or not at all, so in tune with each other. He must notice the things Rex does, right? Cody says he might.

\--

The kid leaves.

\--

The general is vengeful after it all. Seething and angry, he’s closer to the edge than ever. The pit is right before them again, they’re much too close to throwing themselves over. It isn’t safe, Rex thinks, perhaps naively. They’ve been inching closer and closer for a long time, even before the kid walked away. They’re past just “not safe”. They’re into “dangerous”. 

Rex feels gnawing doubt where the hole in his stomach used to be. Ever since Cut, ever since Fives, or maybe even since that first battle that wiped out his men, Rex can feel it. He’s almost resigned at this point. He’s worn down, he doesn’t know how to hold them back anymore. It all has to end soon, right? His brothers haven’t died for nothing, right?

His general seems to not want the war to end. Now, Rex allows himself just a little bit of fear. Fear for both of them. 

\--

His general, as it turns out, downs a bottle of sleeping pills in his quarters. Kenobi finds him collapsed on the floor, choking. Apparently, the pills were a prescription, the general has been having trouble sleeping. 

Rex is on a mission when it happens, he doesn't get the news for nearly two days. In that time, a hush falls over their ship, the kind that can almost be felt, the kind that makes it hard to breathe. It’s much too quiet those days, and for the first time in years, Rex can smell the stench of rot again. It’s no longer sweet.

No one sees the general for three weeks.

\--

They meet again in his quarters those three weeks later. The same quarters he tried to kill himself in. The air is heavy with the silence that has been accumulating and weighing down every other part of the ship. They sit at the table in the corner, and the general offers him refreshments he doesn’t have. Rex declines in a way he hopes is polite. 

The general seems smaller this time, this new first time they’re meeting. The last first time had been friendlier and wider, not shut in like this is. They spend a lot of time searching for words that can’t be spoken. His general spends a lot of time studying the table. 

Truly, they’re different men this time. Truly, Rex smells the rot again, maybe more than ever. His general had thrown himself off the edge, and Rex hadn’t been there to stop him. He’ll justify it to himself later: he would’ve been brought over too. 

\--

“Have I ever told you where my name comes from?” he asks, barely loud enough to be heard. 

“No, sir,” is all Rex has to offer him.

"My name," his voice is still faint, and Rex isn't sure if he hears the next part correctly. "It's for slaves who've tried to kill themselves to escape. They used to jump off of buildings, ships, anything up high. Anything to escape. They would walk into the sky. That's what Skywalker means."

Rex wants to shake him then, to stop him from saying whatever's next. He stares blankly at his general, who still won’t meet his eyes. 

"My mother _earned_ it when she was a teenager. And they gave it to me." His voice cracks and a chasm opens between them on the table. 

What can be said? What condolence can there possibly be? The cave, all that time ago, comes back into the side of his mind, despite his own protest. Rex sits stiff, and his general sits drooped over the table. _What is he supposed to say?_

Eventually, it comes to him. “What are you trying to escape?”

\--

His general stands up abruptly then, and Rex scrambles to stand too, completely out of habit. His eyes are dark, his stance is almost menacing, and Rex worries he said something wrong. Well, he wonders if it was wrong until he’s pulled into an embrace.

“Let me kiss you,” his face is just inches away, breath cold.

“The senator,” Rex says, hesitantly returning the hug, relaxing his posture.

“Let me kiss you anyways,” he whispers, leaning into Rex’s shoulders.

To answer, Rex pulls back, the ghost of the cave controlling his actions, pressing his lips into his general’s. They work the top half of his armor and spend the rest of the evening like that, close together as they had been before. His general’s breath still isn’t warm. Rex won’t feel guilty until afterward.

\--

Every time he uses his general’s name after that night, it holds a strange weight on his tongue. It’s the same weight of the silence that overtook their ship, the same weight pulling them towards the edge, the same weight that’s been haunting Rex all these years. 

These days he wonders not just if Kenobi knows the general needs help (he must, especially after the _attempt_ ) (right?), he wonders if Kenobi knows what the name means too. He wonders if he can understand the weight of death on his tongue, in his breath. He wonders if the senator knows. He wonders if the kid knew. 

Maybe the general wouldn’t have tried what he had if they had known. Maybe he wouldn’t have even considered it. Realizing that makes Rex hate knowing what he knows. He hates the general for telling him.

\--

And well, their relationship stays like that until the end. Fractured and hurt, rotten and broken. Stolen kisses in regretted moments. The general refuses to admit that it’s wrong to do this to the senator. And Rex? Rex wants more from him but knows he shouldn’t. He’s riddled with doubt and grief, his general with fear and pain. They won’t talk about it. They’re much too far gone for that. They’ll just hold each other in the dark. 

The last time they kiss is after the promotion ceremony, tucked away in a corner without security cameras. The general says he’ll miss him, and Rex says the same. Rex tries to smile, but really, they both know deep down this is the last time they’ll kiss. Rex tries and tries and tries to savor it. He tells him to take the medication they prescribed after the incident.

\--

They’ll never see each other again.

\--

Rex leaves eventually and tries to forget what he knows. He replaces the cliff with their victories, the cave with their platonic trust, the pills with their friendship. He has to leave it behind to survive. The memories feel hollow.

All the whispers can tell him is that he died on Mustafar. The place Jedi go to die. The whispers also talk of the man who lives there now, the man who killed his… his what now? Now that he’s dead, what can they be?

The kid -more of a woman now, really- doesn't tell him the final piece until years and years later. He wishes she hadn't told him this either. Then he has to remember the shadows and the cave and the pills, and it forces the past into focus. Rex can understand now. He knows what he was trying to escape.

\--

At the end of it all, Rex is glad this new kid carries the weight of his name with grace. Rex can almost tolerate hearing it when he learns of what the kid has accomplished. He’s from Tatooine, so he must know of what that weight means. Except, when he flies for the first time, his name gains a different kind of weight. He brings new meaning to the name. 

The name’s something hopeful now, not sorrowful. Grace, not desperation.

Rex stands next to him at the funeral pyre. And, well, they didn't die together. They both can move on now.

**Author's Note:**

> Wrote this specifically for the hc about where the name "Skywalker" comes from. The title is an Ingrid Michaelson lyric :) (except Google got the tense wrong, the real lyric is "Oh, what a way that we died").
> 
> I'm sixteen at the time of writing this.
> 
> [my tumblr](http://aaylasecures.tumblr.com)


End file.
